“White Privilege Christmas”

I’m getting a little concerned for Santa.

Truth is, he’s an old timer. His deeds, though well-intentioned, are from another age entirely. And I’m afraid someone will probably take him down pretty soon.

A hitman? Most likely not, though I’m not ruling anything out.

More likely, it will be a lawyer. Or a soccer mom. Both scary in their own right.

Here’s what I’m getting at. You’ve got this sweet old man with an out of place, old-world mentality. He’s trying to be charitable by bringing gifts to the kids of the world. But think about what he’s REALLY doing…

In today’s man-hating world, you as a male are going to sit in the mall ON A THRONE, most likely man-spreading up there. I’m sure you’re taking up the space from other female elves assisting you.

And what are you asking little children to do? Sit on your lap? While you ask them if they’re “naughty or nice”? Even if everything you do up there is completely appropriate, even if you keep your hands to yourself and saran-wrap your lap, it only takes one kid with one accusation to take your whole enterprise down. A responsible Santa would ask these kids to sign a release before they hop up there and start cuddling.

And are you gonna pay for the dental bills from all those candy canes?

And let’s get back to the whole “naughty or nice” thing. JUST WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JUDGING SOMEONE’S KIDS? Have you seen a mom come to the defense of their indefensible little bully who’s mercilessly picked on some other child? Just dare try and call that brat “naughty” and see what mommy does to you!

You’ll have a bright red nose, all right, and plenty of red running down that suit you’re wearing!

Haven’t you learned that today it is completely intolerant to judge anyone else’s actions, no matter how terrible they are?

Listen Chris – today, no one is naughty or bad, they just make “mistakes”. And if they’ve made a mistake like…oh, let’s say hot-wiring a car and taking it for a joy ride, it’s society’s fault for leaving them in poverty and not helping them enough.

Surely you don’t judge people based on their actions? How antiquated! They’re really victims!

And you judge those children by what standard? Don’t you realize that all ethical systems are simply someone’s opinion? So you’re imposing your “white privilege, middle class Christian standards” on people who may not subscribe to those standards, or may not be able to comply because of economic factors.

Also, it appears you give to rich kids too as well as poor. Tell me, is this really fare? Shouldn’t you be giving to children based on their need? Actually, a fair-minded socially-conscious Santa would have a board who interviews applicants and rewards the toys based on income, race, and possibly a good record of community service by the children.

You must take some responsibility, Mr Claus. Do you even know if the kids recycle all those boxes and wrapping paper? What about the environment? I would think anyone who lived at the North Pole would be more concerned about sustainability and your affect on polar ice caps.

And what do you mean showing up as a white male? Talk about white privilege! And I suppose you’re dreaming of a “white Christmas” as well. Racist!

I’m afraid that, by today’s standards, you’re just another old white bigot, flaunting your wealth with a “savior complex” while you force your own paternalistic, inequitable Judeo-Christian belief system on their children.

You’re really no better than other Christians, arrogant enough to think what you believe is right and act upon it. Arrogant enough to insensitively give out toys to kids you deem worthy, while many others in the world are hungry and without shelter.

We’ve seen your kind before, mainly in the people of faith who make up most of the volunteers in our homeless shelters and benevolent outreaches. They are the ones who give the most to charity, even if you don’t count their church giving.

What about all the good they could have done with that money? Especially if they gave it to a governmental bureaucracy to distribute!

We’ve also seen those Christian’s lack of tolerance for other beliefs. And by lack of tolerance, we mean they don’t change their opinion to ours.

If those believers vote based on their idea of right and wrong, we’ll criticize them letting their religion influence their vote. Just to express their views and live by them is forcing those views on the community, we’ll say.

And God forbid if a Christian should run for office. Do they seriously think they have the same rights as the rest of us?

We attack you, Santa, for the same reason we attack believers: because we don’t like it when you do good. It’s reminds us of what we should be doing, and that ticks us off.

It makes us mad because, in spite of all our talk, we really have no intention whatsoever of helping anyone. Nope, not a bit. We only want to run our mouths and think somehow we’re going to vote the world into being a utopia.

So until you do it our way (which is to not really do anything at all), prepare yourself to hear from our lawyers. We know you must not really care about people, because how could you have a kind of love we clearly don’t?

And what exactly is the carbon footprint of that sleigh? Answer me that, Mr Kringle!

No, if you had a conscious you’d just stay home like the rest of us who criticize the good others do, and do nothing.

Because nothing you or any other saint do will ever be enough to convince us your God is real, even though your actions deck the halls with it.

Nope, we’d rather just sit back and shoot at you with our BB guns, like Ralphy in A Christmas Story. Talk about reindeer games!

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